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  “You can’t win,” she told Geoff one day when she was fed up. “In the winter everything is dead and in the summer all those cheap shops pop up, they’re so dreadfully naff. And there are so many people everywhere that you can’t get into places because they’re full! And all the roads are so busy, it takes ages to get anywhere.”

  “Do you ever stop complaining?”

  ‘I hate it here and I’m starting to hate you!’

  “Louise really needs a nursery where she can play with other kids, so I think I might try and enrol her. But don’t worry, I’ll pay for it – I saw an ad down the seafront for a waitress. How hard can it be? Please don’t say no,” Jan begged. “Don’t be a bore and say no like you usually do.”

  Geoff mumbled and was not happy but he realised he had to let her do some things she wanted and the extra money would be handy. He agreed that Louise might be better off playing with other children.

  “OK then, but if she doesn’t settle we will pull her out, have you checked the credentials of the nursery?”

  “Of course! Diana who lives up the road told me about it and her mum runs it. Diana’s son goes there and he loves it, and I know Louise will benefit so much from it too.”

  Diana was the first person whom Jan had met when they first moved into the road. She had been very helpful in telling Jan what was available in the area and about schools for when Louise would need to go.

  “I’ve enrolled Louise,” Jan told Geoff the next day, “and they have a vacancy and can take her next week.”

  “That’s a bit soon, isn’t it?”

  “We have to strike while the iron’s hot; vacancies don’t come up very often apparently. That was lucky wasn’t it?” Jan was trying to make light of the situation in case Geoff started to backtrack and change his mind. “And I’ve organised some work for myself down at the café on the seafront. It’s not wonderful pay but it will cover Louise’s nursery at least until the end of the summer. Not only that, Diana told me about a babysitting circle where you babysit for someone and they give you tokens which you can use when you want to go out. It’s like-for-like, so you babysit for say three hours and that gives you three hours that you can go out. That sounds like a great way of being able to go out without having to pay a babysitter. What d’you think?”

  “How can you go and babysit when you’ve got a baby at home?”

  “Well,” Jan tried to sound light. “You’ll have to stay in with Lulu and maybe put her to bed. You can do that, can’t you? Or you could go and babysit and I’ll stay in?” Jan thought it was a good idea to put the two alternatives and she knew which one he would choose. There was no way he would want to babysit someone else’s child.

  “Well, if that’s what you’ve decided, I suppose I can go along with it. As long as you’re not out every night or out late.” Geoff was wondering how he was going to get out of this. He didn’t really want his wife to go out at all without him, and yet he couldn’t afford a babysitter as well as to go out. He knew Jan would want to go out to the pub or a meal or the cinema occasionally, so he’d have to let her do this. He felt very uneasy about the whole situation. How could he trust her? She might fancy someone else’s husband. He had heard how sometimes the husband would come back early, take the babysitter home and then seduce her in the car. Was his mind playing tricks on him?

  “If you are ever unfaithful to me, there won’t be any corner of this world big enough for you to hide in!” Geoff told Jan one day, out of the blue. Then he pushed his face into hers, showing her that he meant what he said.

  “I’ve never given you any reason to think that I would ever do that,” she cried. She was shocked and hurt by his outburst and wondered why he should say such a thing to her but she tried not to show it. She wondered just why he should think that she would do that. Insecurity perhaps?

  “Yes, and if you did, I would have to lock you up and throw away the key.”

  Jan had always been aware that she had admirers, but had never as much as looked at another man. She never forgot this statement from her husband and it stayed with her for the rest of her life. She was very wary of him after that, knowing that he could be so belligerent and threatening.

  Jan took Louise to her first day at nursery and she absolutely loved it. She let go of Jan’s hand as soon as she saw the other children and settled down with them straight away. Jan almost felt hurt that Louise could leave her so easily but realised that was the best thing. She went off to her first day waitressing and actually enjoyed it more than she thought she would. The owners of the café taught her how they wanted things done and were very understanding if she did anything wrong. She was an intelligent woman so she learnt the work very quickly and actually enjoyed all aspects of waitressing. ‘How hard can it be?’ she thought to herself.

  Jan felt exhilarated but exhausted by the time she went to pick up Louise from the nursery. It was good because she was able to meet the other mums who were picking up their children. ‘Perhaps I will make some friends here,’ she thought. This was short-lived because they were all working mums who just didn’t have time to stop and chat.

  The summer was soon over and the café was closing; the owners asked Jan if she would be able to come back next year because she was a good worker. But she wasn’t sure because she thought she might be pregnant again.

  “Yes, you’re pregnant,” the doctor told Jan soon afterwards – and this time she was not disappointed.

  Six months to the day and the nurses were telling Jan, “It’s a boy.”

  This time her mother wasn’t able to stay with her, living so far away in Bristol. She felt quite alone and yet there was another baby to look forward to.

  “He takes after you, with his blond hair and blue eyes,” Jan told Geoff when he came into the hospital just hours after she gave birth. She took him down the corridor of the little cottage hospital to the nursery. She was glad to get out of the ward that she had to share with three other mothers who talked endlessly about how good their babies were. This place was totally different to the private ward she had had in Bristol when she had given birth to Louise. Her father had insisted on paying for it for his first-born grandchild, but he didn’t feel the need for any subsequent grandchildren.

  “He is handsome! Just like me, you said!” Geoff agreed. He was delighted with his son but he was certain that he didn’t want to have any more children. Jan was one of three children but hopefully, this would be it for them, their complete family unit. One blue-eyed blond boy together with one dark-haired, brown-eyed girl. Perfect.

  “What shall we name him?” Jan asked. “How about having your second name as his second name? Charles. I know you don’t like it but your parents must have got it from somewhere. Did you have an Uncle Charles?”

  “Not that I know of. I’ll ask Mum next time I see her. I know Geoffrey was chosen by my father as someone he knew in the war and was killed, I think. Meantime, just to say I don’t like the name anyway, either of my names in fact. What about Steven? I like that name. I wished I was called that when I was young, instead of Geoffrey! God, how I hate that name. And Charles! Fancy giving a baby those names! Geoffrey Charles. It sounds so pretentious.”

  “OK. Steven, it is. I like that. It’s only fair that you choose the boy’s name as I chose the girl’s name. And what about Matthew as his second name? I like those names together. Do you know anyone called Steven or Matthew?”

  “No, so that’s good,” Geoff agreed. “Our family unit is complete now with two kids.” He was only used to a small family and didn’t see the need for having a bigger family. Ever mindful of the cost too. He hoped that Jan would comply.

  This time Jan was fully prepared for her baby. She knew all about how to look after her baby son having first practised with her daughter.

  “One of each now. Yes, our family complete,” Jan agreed. Geoff was relieved that Jan was in agreement with him
and would not want any more children.

  Geoff took Louise over to stay with Betty. She could look after her while he went visiting Jan and he could also look in at work. As she was only in for a few days this time he was happier that his mother helped with looking after Louise.

  “What’s the new baby like?” Betty was eager to hear all about it from her son.

  “Well, he has ten fingers and ten toes!”

  “You idiot, I mean does he have fair hair? Does he take after you? Have you decided on names yet?”

  “Yes, we thought we’d call him Charles,” Geoff teased. He knew that she knew he didn’t like that name.

  She looked him square in the eye. She hadn’t heard that name in many a long year. It transported her back as she remembered her very own Chas, the American she met in the war and kept up the liaison afterwards. And here in front of her was the very spitting image of that lovely young man with fair hair. But this one is her own son who now has a son of his own who might be called Charles! What a coincidence that would be.

  “You’re joking! Aren’t you? Did Jan choose it because she likes it or because it’s your second name?” She really couldn’t read him this time; he was good at kidding but she was worried. She started to go bright pink and Geoff wondered what was the matter with her.

  “Yes, I’m joking! You know I don’t like that name so I would have had to put my foot down if Jan insisted upon it. We’ve decided on Steven Matthew, good old fashioned English names.”

  Betty was relieved but wondered why he mentioned ‘English’ names. Perhaps she was being a little over-sensitive. He couldn’t possibly know her guilty secret.

  Jan met a woman in the hospital who had given birth to a boy on the same day as Steven was born. She and her husband owned their own business selling ice cream from vans on the sea front. Jan was quite taken with the idea of selling ice creams. Maddy and Tim had older children who all pitched in to help.

  “Why don’t you come over and I’ll show you how easy it is to make and sell ice cream. It’s a licence to print money, but only in the summer,” Maddy was telling Jan one day while they were breastfeeding their babies in the hospital.

  “I’d really love to but I know what Geoff will say,” Jan told Maddy. Realistically she knew, with two children to look after, Geoff would be against it. She knew in her heart of hearts what he would say but she thought she would give it a try anyway.

  “I think I’d like to sell ice cream down on the seafront. Maddy said I can take the kids with me, Louise would love it and Steven would be in the carrycot.”

  “NO!” Was the curt reply from Geoff. No surprise to Jan, so she was forced to forget about her new budding career as an ice cream saleswoman.

  They brought Steven home and Louise became the perfect little Mum to her baby brother. She was only three when Steven was born but was so grown up for her age. She would go and fetch the talcum powder and the nappies from upstairs if Jan was changing him downstairs.

  “What does that milk taste like?” asked Louise one day when Jan was breastfeeding Steven. “Can I try it?” Jan proceeded to have both children at her breast but Louise didn’t like it very much. “Yuk!” This was a favourite word she had learnt from her father. It was a nasty trick of his to say ‘yuk’ if Jan made a meal he wasn’t used to, without even trying it first. It was no surprise that the children would copy him.

  Steven cried a lot, much more than Louise had done when she was a baby. Between them, they cuddled, crooned and in general attended to his every need. Every night when Jan put him to bed he would cry and cry.

  “Oh, why does he cry so much?” Jan asked Geoff the hypothetical question, knowing he wasn’t going to be able to answer her.

  They took it in turns, all through the evening, to try and get him to sleep. Sometimes they would pick him up and bring him downstairs again, put him in his pram and rock him to sleep. Then they would pick him up again when he had dropped off and take him upstairs to his cot. He would often wake again through the night.

  Jan was exhausted. Every night was the same for the first 12 months. Jan took over most of the caring in the week because Geoff had to go to work but on weekends she expected him to do his share.

  They weren’t able to go out in the evenings in all that time. They forgot about the babysitting rota for the time being. They couldn’t go out and leave someone with a crying baby, so Jan thought it was no use babysitting for someone else if they couldn’t use the tokens themselves.

  They did, however, go to Betty’s on most weekends. She would look after both children while Jan and Geoff went for a drink at the local pub from time to time. It wasn’t far away and Jan would pop back every so often to see that everything was OK. She was very grateful to Betty that at last, she was able to go out if only for a short time. Occasionally Jan herself stayed in and let Geoff take his mother out for a drink. Jan felt bad because although she was glad to get out, she would rather have gone to see a play at the theatre or to the cinema to see a film. When she went for a drink it was usually just the two of them and their conversation soon dried up after they had finished talking about the children and what they had been doing, which wasn’t much.

  Jan hankered after being out and about with friends like she used to do in Bristol. As soon as Geoff had arrived in Bristol he wanted her all to himself. Her friends had to take a back seat as far as Geoff was concerned. Although Jan wasn’t exactly a party animal, she had always liked the company of others. She had had plenty of friends, mostly old school friends and she had been very popular in the company of her friends.

  How she missed all that, now she was in Devon.

  Chapter 7

  Geoff had some health issues to deal with, which made him depressed whenever he thought about them. He developed epilepsy at about the age of 28 and was put on medication which kept it under control. His fits started one night when he was asleep. Jan was at her wits’ end. She didn’t know what to do, although luckily she had known a girl at school who was prone to fits so she had a little knowledge of how to deal with them. She had heard that it was better not to put anything hard in the mouth in case it broke the person’s teeth. She tried a corner of a blanket at first, but then realised she was probably a bit too late because he had already bitten his tongue and was starting to come round.

  Jan took him to see the doctor the next day, who referred him to a specialist. Before he saw the specialist, Geoff had two more fits about two weeks apart – always at night in his sleep. The specialist recommended several different tests which Geoff subsequently had and which turned out to be clear. It was purely epilepsy and the doctors told him that with the right treatment he may never have any more fits.

  “I’m positive I have brain cancer,” Geoff told Jan on one of the days he was particularly depressed. “It’s one of the things I dread the most.”

  “But you’ve had tests and they were all clear. You mustn’t think like that, you’re making yourself feel worse. It’s only epilepsy.” Jan felt that he got his worrying trait from his mother. She thought that Betty was never happy until she had something to worry about.

  Geoff was off work for a month and banned from driving for six months. In the month he was at home he became increasingly depressed. He was a little better when he went back to work, as his mind was taken off his health issues. The driving ban made his job rather difficult, but between himself and Jan they managed. Jan would do the driving which she was quite happy to do.

  “Shall we go away one of these weekends instead of going over to your mum’s?” Jan suggested one day, although she knew she was treading on dangerous ground. “We could visit John and Vera but also I’d like to see my friend, Paula, and her husband and their little girl, Susan. She’s 18 months old now and I’ve never even met her.”

  “Mum will be expecting us as usual. Anyway, I expect your parents will be coming down to the cottage so you’ll w
ant to see them won’t you?” Geoff suggested.

  “Not really. I just thought that on one of these weekends we could go somewhere else. Do something different. Maybe go up to Bristol now that John is settled. He’s asked us many times if we would like to go and stay with them.”

  “You go if you want to,” Geoff told her. “You’ll have to take the kids as well.”

  “But you said we could go anytime I wanted to, that means you too!” Jan was getting cross now. “That just isn’t fair to say ‘you go’ – we should go as a family.”

  “Oh, all right, if it stops you nagging,” said Geoff, hoping Jan might change her mind.

  “I’m not nagging. When we left Bristol you said yourself that we could go back anytime I wanted. Does that mean you didn’t mean what you said?” Jan was getting exasperated.

  “OK, OK, you win. You arrange it and we’ll go, I suppose,” he finally agreed.

  They had spent nearly every weekend with Betty. She enjoyed having them and spoiling the children with little treats. She would go to the local shop every Friday and buy sweets for the children, plus a Mars Bar each for Jan and Geoff. It was a break for Jan and she enjoyed it because Betty would babysit on a Saturday evening to enable her and Geoff to have an evening out. It would only be to the pub but at least it was an evening out. Then on Sundays, after Betty had been to church and Jan had helped with the Sunday lunch, they might go out in the car for a little run to give Betty a break before they went home again.

  Jan was looking forward to arranging something a bit different. She arranged with her brother that they would all stay with him and Vera. They had bought a new townhouse in Bristol and were keen to show it off. John was working now alongside his father and it was working quite well. The factory was busy and the orders were flowing in – mainly coming in from their new rep who joined the company soon after John. Although John was paid a salary like his father, he also made some extra money by working at a local pub in the evenings. Vera went along too to keep him company. It was something they both enjoyed when they were at university, helping out in the bar on campus.